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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
You are what you delete.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder