Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
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Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM