celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Tastes like chicken.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it