I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Pat is about to own someone