i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
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“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Coffee for people with no kids
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted