If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
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People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh