I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.