People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
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Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”