Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
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SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit