My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
What the dentist sees
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Dune (2021)
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave