How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.