Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
You Might Also Like
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
So sick of all these stupid rules
cats when you pet them too long:
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.