sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
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Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭