You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
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*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.