gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
😂😂
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.