When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
You Might Also Like
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Ladies, why y’all do this?