Matt Goss
You Might Also Like
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”