When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
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That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.