i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too