EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
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I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
How to draw a duck
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough