If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
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[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
TODAY
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it