[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Merica.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
i’m sure it’s fine
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first