“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
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No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.