4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.