Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?