“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
You Might Also Like
I bet
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”