Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes