I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
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Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.