Need tips on making something look like an accident.
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Weirdly Wednesday.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
#CoronaOutbreak
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*