Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
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accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
no
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”