*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
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I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*