“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
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[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
So that’s what we looked like?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip