The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
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The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”