My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
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we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.