Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
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Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.