governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Customer is always right
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud