Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Anime is real
#growingpains
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great