being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.