“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
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Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.