Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.