Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
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My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra