Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”