My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.