Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
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just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Animal poetry
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe