the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
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[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*