Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
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i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password