Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
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“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I know this now 😂
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
“our sushi is very fresh”
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?