Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop