If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Florida be like…
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.