How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.